Two Feet to Stand On
by The Grand Inquisitor
Summary: Havoc's going through a hard time after his mishap with Lust, but luckily for him Ed is there to knock a little sense back into him. Spoilers for chapter 41 / episode 21. Rated T for language.


_Warning spoilers for chapter 41._

_Well, I wanted to try a scene with Havoc after what happens to him, so this is what came out. I'm pretty happy with how it came out. Enjoy._

_I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist._

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**Two Feet to Stand On**

The day was despicably bright and cheery, as if the sun wanted to mock him for being unable to enjoy it. Light shone through the open window of the hospital room grazing the end of the white bed sheets that lay over his unmovable legs. Flowing through the room, a light breeze ruffled the white curtains drawn to either side of the open windows. It really was beautiful with the green grass shimmering just out of reach.

If not for the now undisguised disgruntled look on Havoc's face it would have been the perfect scene.

What point was there though when he couldn't do anything about such a wonderful day? Going for a stroll was out of the question, even moving outside was too much. No, all he could do was stare listlessly at the scene beyond the window, taunted by the light and the breeze that flitted through it.

It made a mockery of him.

Paralyzed the doctor had said. Couldn't move his legs anymore, he'd said.

The real meaning of that word hadn't quite set in until today. Part of him had known everything would change, but that knowing couldn't prepare him for the self-loathing and despair. All he could do was sleep, eat, and sleep some more. What use was he? Just half a man with the important half missing.

Havoc snorted wryly at the thought. He was a broken toy now nothing more, a wooden soldier snapped in half by the wayward foot of a child.

He couldn't do anything for Mustang or for Breda or Hawkeye or Fuery or Falman. Not for Ed and not for Al. He was completely and utterly useless.

The sun taunted and grass laughed.

Even the people passing by his window laughed. Not at him of course, how could they know about the broken lieutenant lying in the room just beyond the window? But they laughed happily all the same and every cheerful sound was another blow to his sanity or what little remained.

Havoc's face twisted into an angry snarl.

It was something he would never have again, that simply joy. Laughter seemed impossible, just a dream of something that once was and now never would be.

Losing the ability to walk meant losing a basic human function. It was like not being able to see or to hear. He couldn't move by himself anymore. Any time he wanted to go somewhere a nurse had to help him into a wheelchair and wheel him around the hospital.

Was there any point to existence anymore? What good was a man who couldn't move? The questions droned on, filled with despair.

He'd thought about finding a way to end himself for a little while, and played the scene over in his mind. He'd pictured the cold metal gun pressed to his temple, the single tug on the trigger and then the nothing that came afterward. Just to indulge in pondering it couldn't hurt, right? But, he'd discarded the notion after a while. Being dead would make him worth even less.

It would mean disobeying the colonel's order to 'catch up'. Swallowing back a twisted laugh, the broken man rolled his eyes. And how was he supposed to do that? Catch up? what a laugh. There was no way for him to catch up, not when he was like this. A wheelchair could only go so fast.

But, being so utterly dependent like this felt shameful and humiliating. He was a soldier damn it! not some child who had to be watched every second for fear he'd hurt himself.

It had only been a few days since he'd gotten the injury and he was already going stir crazy from being so helpless. The worst part was, Havoc knew things would never change. Paralysis was a permanent deal, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Not like Ed and Al, those two boys could still search. What could he do without legs?

Oh, his friends had tried to tell him otherwise, said there was still a chance. What a joke. It was cruel of them to say such things! Why couldn't they see that?

The colonel probably blamed himself for this. He was wrong of course because there was no one to blame for this by himself. Havoc had messed up all by himself; it wasn't anyone's fault he hadn't moved fast enough. If only…

The 'if only's' were becoming the bane of his existence, they echoed like so many pebbles in a cave driving his mind crazy with the tumbling thoughts. If only he'd been faster, sharper, stronger. If only the wound had been an inch to the left. If only, if only, if only.

Oh, and part of him desperately did want to blame Mustang for his injury. He wanted to yell at the man until his face was crumpled in shame, but then that image of the colonel just made his heart hurt more. It was better just to blame himself for it. At least he could shoulder that burden. It was a small payment for the problems this would cause the others. Yes, it was better that way.

What use was it anyways? His life was still going to hell in a handbasket, now it was just a different type of hell.

And what a hell it was, a place where living hurt because you felt so damn useless. With a acerbic smile, Havoc realized he was even more useless that Mustang caught in the rain. Fate really was a cruel mistress.

Then, the door smashed open in typical Elric style breaking Havoc out of the caustic thoughts that had been chasing themselves round in circles.

"Hey, Havoc how's it going."

It was another annoying cheerful voice. Was that all people were capable of around him now? Did they think he couldn't stand a normal voice that didn't have the irritating superficiality? The falsity of it hurt because it meant they were treating him like a child.

Havoc already knew he was paralysed, so there was no reason to sugarcoat it anymore. Hearing all that nonsense about having a bedside manner made him want to lash out in anger at the stupidity of it all. Just the facts and a cold, hard voice, was that too much to ask for?

He sighed heavily and looked up. "Hey yourself."

Ed frowned at the lackluster response. "What? No, 'boss' for me today? Is something wrong?"

"No, no. I'm fine." The lieutenant waved him off with a hand suddenly wishing he hadn't already spent his one cigarette and the little comfort that familiarity brought. At least that was one thing he could still do the same.

Ed just shrugged and moved out of the doorway allowing Al to clank into the room after him. The older Elric always had been slightly slow when it came to the emotions of others, so he missed the depression hidden just behind Havoc's eye.

But Al saw it, he usually did.

"I hope you don't mind us intruding in on you like this?" The younger boy asked gently.

The pity, Havoc hated that voice too. He hated that one more than the sugar-sweet one. It stung his pride and bruised his heart. What right did they have to pity him? He could throw his very own pity party perfectly fine thank you very much. Nonetheless, he tried to put on a brave face for the two boys.

"Nah, not really. It's not like I can do much."

This time Ed didn't miss the twisted anger in the man's voice. It was getting harder and harder to disguise it, especially around his friends. Hell, he didn't want to hide it anymore. A soft sigh slipped out of his mouth as he attempted a smile and failed miserably. It looked too depressed and forced to be a real smile.

"We're taking you out!" Ed declared suddenly, in a firm voice. He gestured for Al to help him before Havoc could complain. Bundling him quickly into a wheelchair, the two brothers completely ignored any of the loud demands to be 'put the hell back in my bed' that exited the former lieutenant's mouth.

Although, for someone who expressed great aversion to moving he looked oddly pleased about being wheeled out of the hospital room and down the white hall. Havoc hid it well under an irritated growl and tightly crossed arms.

"Boss take me back." he protested feebly as they reached the end of the hall.

Ed pointedly ignored him. "So, what's been going on around here while I was off in that damned desert. Mustang is such a jerk for sending me all the way out there." He trailed off into irritated mutters full of unsavory descriptions of their- no his commanding officer.

Havoc couldn't help but smile just a bit. Some thing would never change. Perhaps this would cheer him up a bit, he certainly needed it, and the familiarity of it felt nice. Listening to Ed talk would make him forget, just for a little while.

"Not a lot. I'm glad to see you fixed Al up though."

The poor boy had been wandering around half broken for far too long now. Ed had been off on a necessary journey to discover the truth about Maria Ross, but it was still good to see at least one person restored to their normal and completely mobile state.

Havoc would never admit he was slightly jealous of the boy, armor was much easier to fix than nerves were; but he at least had a body. Although, it was best not to compare their situations or it would only upset him even more. Only an idiot would want to be in Alphonse's position. While Havoc had his occasional moments of stupidity, he liked to think he was not an idiot.

"Nobody even told me he was so beat up! And it's that bastard Mustang's fault for putting him in such a dangerous situation without me. He's such a smug jerk!"

The blond boy launched into yet another round of colorful names, describing the colonel loudly as they wheeled through the hospital, ignoring the shushing motions of any passing nurses. For a moment it seemed like nothing was wrong, like he was strolling along with them chatting cheerfully.

"Brother, stop that, you'll disturb the patients. Besides, I doubt the colonel has six toes on either of his feet."

The trio left the building behind, moving out into the shaded lawn. Al parked Havoc's wheelchair in the shade of a wide oak tree. It looked like he would be able to enjoy the sunshine after all.

Now that he was out here, the sunshine and grass no longer seemed to be mocking him. The laughter was more pleasant, and the breeze had a soothing feel. He could imagine himself out of the wheelchair and out somewhere with a beautiful lady enjoying a picnic if he tried hard enough. For a moment, he really did forget about his legs, about the phantom feelings, about the despair. For a moment he was happy.

Ed flopped back into the grass, lying flat out on his back. "So, when are you getting your legs back?"

And then that moment was gone. Any enjoyment he had been beginning to feel was thoroughly beaten into the ground and then danced ferociously upon by anger and irritation.

"I'm not." came the flat reply, full of barely controlled fury. Why didn't anyone get that? He wasn't ever going to be able to walk again. NEVER. No amount of therapy or cajoling or prayer was going to reattach his nerves. Nothing could give that back to him. Nothing and no one. So why did they think there was? Why did they torture him with that question, 'when are you getting your legs back'. Why, why, why!

Havoc's hands trembled as he tried to calm down. He didn't really want to shout at the kid like he had at Mustang.

"Sure you can."

"Don't. Say. That." he hissed through tightly gritted teeth as he clenched his fingers tightly around the armrests till they went white.

"Brother..." Al warned softly.

"Why not? He can."

"Stop saying that. There is no way for me to get my legs back. They're gone and they aren't ever coming back. Can't you understand that? So don't give me some bull about getting my legs back! It's NOT POSSIBLE!" Havoc yelled, face twisting angrily. There went not shouting. He slumped back in the wheelchair and turned his face away to hide the broken twisted look.

"Everyone has already said that but none of you can change it. I've already asked the colonel to leave me behind. I've applied for retirement. This is it for me, so please don't say that. I'm done." Havoc's shoulders were quivering now too as he continued to hide his empty eyes but his cracking voice gave the pooling tears away. "I...damn... What good am I like this? There's...there's nothing I can do."

Ed was on his feet by the time Havoc finished, hands clenched into tight fists, anger just as evident on his face as it had been a second ago on the other man's.

"How can you say that! You're just giving up?"

"I'm just trying to be realistic Ed. There isn't a way...no matter how much you or I or anyone else wants there to be. It's- it's over."

"YOU'RE WRONG!" Ed yelled, stepping forward, fists balled for the punch. "You're a damned idiot Havoc, you got that! An idiot."

The impact of Ed's fist into Havoc face was enough to send both wheelchair and man toppling back and over, throwing the man into the ground. The former lieutenant crashed into the ground with a surprised groan and layer there for a few minutes, blinking in complete and utter surprise at the fuming boy looming over him.

"What the hell Ed?" Havoc spluttered as soon as his voice came back, anger taking over the despair. He managed to shove himself up so he was sitting, but that was all he could do.

"If you ever say something like that again I'll sock you again! I don't ever want to hear you giving up like that. You got it?"

"Brother, that's enough. Let me explain now." Al put his metal hand on his brother's shoulder and shoved him gently out of the way. He set up the wheelchair again and deposited the very confused, still shocked, and angered man on it wondering in the back of his mind just how Havoc managed to look all three things at once.

"I think I know what brother is trying to say." Al's armor emitted a feeling of amusement as he glanced at the fuming blond boy. "We know you lost your legs, but you've still got the rest of you. We're all behind you too - Ed, Colonel Mustang, Hawkeye, Breda, Falman, Fuery, and me - we'll all support you and we want you to get back to your best. So long as you're alive look for a chance to get your legs back. Keep moving forward, don't give up. We'll be your legs so lean on us because you don't have to go alone."

As Al spoke Havoc's face slowly changed into a look understanding and then into utter gracefulness. Soothing, it was soothing to hear him say that. Perhaps he wasn't quite as useless as he thought.

"Yeah!" Ed pitched in, finding his voice and nodding vehemently, the anger disapating as fast as it had appeared. "You've lost your legs, sure, but you can still keep going. This isn't the end of the world. Find a way Havoc, don't let something as small as a couple of legs defeat you!"

"I dunno Boss." Havoc replied, but a sliver of a smile showed in the crook of his mouth. Despite the smile, he still looked just a little uncertain. Havoc wasn't an alchemical prodigy like the two boys before him. But...but part of him wanted to believe that maybe they were right, that if he tried hard enough there was a chance.

Ed pointed a finger firmly at the wheelchair bound man, "next time I see you, you'd better be working on a way to get your legs back. Got it?"

"Sure Boss, sure, but next time lemme know without punching me. Blackeyes don't always work on the ladies." Even if it hurt like hell, havoc knew he'd need just that to wake him up and snap him out of it.

Maybe he could find a way to get his legs back. Ed and Al had lost more than he ever had and they were still searching for a way to do it. They hadn't given up.

So maybe...

"I'll tell ya what Boss, you two get your bodies back and I'll find a way to get mine too." He stuck his hand out, "deal?"

Ed grinned fiercely, grabbing Havoc's and shaking it firmly, "deal!"

One day, maybe he would find it. A way to get his legs back. Havoc grinned, yeah, that sounded perfect.

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_Thoughts? Reviews? Any critiques would be amazing. _


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